More and more fathers today aspire to embrace their role differently from how they remember their own fathers or grandfathers. They seek to be more affectionate, emotionally connected, and actively present in their family's life.
Modern dads understand that investing time, attention, and love into their relationships with their partners and children significantly enhances the well-being of the entire family.
However, many fathers need support and guidance in their parenting journey, especially if they lack role models from their upbringing. This guide aims to help you engage with your family from the very start.
Be a partner in family planning
The strongest foundation for parenthood is a shared decision between partners about whether, when, and how many children to have, made at a time when both are ready to take on this responsibility. Thoughtfully deciding on pregnancy and childbirth, and being aware of the implications, is the best preparation for assuming the parental role.
Early or unplanned parenthood can be a risk factor, potentially leading to challenges in the parental role, strained relationships between partners and with children, and increased stress and irritability.
Men and women who become parents unexpectedly or before they feel ready may feel they are missing out on other important life aspects (education, career, hobbies, relationships, etc.). Partners should make family planning decisions together, including the use of contraception. Finding information, obtaining, and using contraception to prevent unwanted pregnancies is equally the responsibility of both partners. Nevertheless, contraception use often remains primarily the woman's responsibility. Men should support their partners in acquiring contraceptives, whether through emotional support or providing resources (time, money, transportation), and be willing to use male contraceptive methods if it's a mutual decision.
Be a partner in birth preparation and support during labour
Jointly planning for pregnancy and childbirth is an opportunity to deepen your understanding of each other, discuss fears, expectations, and desires, and share your thoughts and emotions. When it comes to childbirth, men may sometimes feel excluded. Their partner undergoes a physical transformation and a demanding birth process that they cannot experience themselves. It is natural to fear for your partner's well-being and to fear the unknown. Share these feelings with your partner and emphasize your support. Discussing fears (and women often feel their fears are irrational) can bring you closer together.
Being present at the birth not only supports your partner but also ceremonially ushers you into parenthood, boosting the confidence needed to navigate your new role in the early weeks at home. Learn by taking on childcare responsibilities. There is no inherent knowledge or magical intuition that women possess about caring for a newborn. They learn about parenting by caring for their child, and fathers learn the same way. So, feel free to change dirty nappies, bathe your baby, and comfort them when they are upset. You might be clumsy at first, but the more you do it, the more confident you'll become in your parenting abilities.
Be patient
Getting into the rhythm of caring for a child is not easy, especially if you can't be with the mother and baby throughout the bonding period. After returning to work—most fathers do so in the first week of the baby's life—create small rituals during evenings or weekends. Take your baby for a walk, read to them (it's never too early; babies love hearing your voice), bathe them, gently massage them, soothe them with skin-to-skin contact, and hold them even when they are not upset. Take the initiative. Your partner might feel the need to oversee and handle all tasks related to the baby—feeding, changing nappies, dressing, soothing, and playing—around the clock. It is crucial for you as a father, for the child, and for the mother's physical and mental health, that you take on some responsibilities. Even if your partner resists, step in and take over some tasks and playtime. Don't wait for her to delegate; take the initiative and be an active participant in your family, not just a helper.
Stand your ground
Often unconsciously, women may hinder their partner's opportunities to bond with the baby by reacting to the father's initial clumsiness or different techniques in bathing or dressing the child. If your partner criticizes you, gently remind her that you are partners in caring for and raising the child, and that you are capable of taking care of the baby if given the chance. Understand that her reactions stem from her own fears and insecurities, partly learned and partly innate, not because she truly sees you as less capable.
Be a partner in breastfeeding
If your partner plans to breastfeed or is already breastfeeding, it is important for her to achieve her "breastfeeding goals". She may experience intense emotions when facing challenges, and you will need to support her and believe in her ability to overcome these issues. Educate yourself about breastfeeding to assist her in dealing with potential problems, as your support can be crucial for successful breastfeeding. Even when breastfeeding goes smoothly, ensure she can breastfeed comfortably and without interruption. Provide her with necessities (like food and drinks, especially in the early weeks when breastfeeding is frequent), and help by burping the baby after feeding.
Play
Fathers often interact with children differently than mothers, and that is perfectly fine. Research suggests that physical play, which fathers are more inclined towards, complements the mother's gentler, nurturing approach. So, don't hesitate to offer your child airplane rides, horsey rides, and similar games. But don't limit yourself to just this type of play—real men know that cuddling is important too.
Extract from the brochure “Be a Dad and Grow with Your Child”, RODA 2018.
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