It is natural for parents to try to hide the truth about war, conflict, or hardship from their child and to minimize the horrors that led them to leave their country of origin in order to protect the child from stress and fear. However, this coping strategy is not recommended, as it does not give the child space to ask questions, seek explanations, or receive support.
Talking with a parent helps the child better understand the events around them, relationships between people, and also teaches them how to express and name emotions and internal experiences, and how to build relationships with others. Through conversation, a child not only hears what is said, but also feels how it is said, which can further calm and comfort them.
Talking about difficult topics brings understanding
It is extremely important not to hide the truth from the child because they may learn the reasons for leaving home in other ways. They might overhear your conversations with other adults and sense the worry in your voice, or they might hear part of the truth from other children, through social media, or in the news. In such cases, reality may seem even more frightening because the child does not fully understand what they hear and see—and they are certainly aware of the insecurity and fear of the adults close to them.
That is why talking about the life circumstances that brought you to Croatia is important. It will help your child better understand the situation you are in, which will to some extent reduce their fear.
Normalize the feelings your child has
Due to everything that is happening, and what they hear and see, a child may feel fear, confusion, worry, or anger. It takes time for a child to recognize and accept what they are feeling. That is why we need to clearly communicate to the child that it is completely normal to feel sad, scared, or angry.
Avoid responding to your child’s worries or fears by minimizing them or telling the child to calm down or that they are overreacting. What the child feels is authentic. Show them that their emotions are valid and help them name those emotions. Just having the conversation and your understanding will help soothe and comfort them.
Guidelines for talking with your child
Before talking to your child, it is good to know what you want to say and how you will say it. Take some time to think about the content you plan to share and the way you will approach the conversation.
It is important to adapt the conversation to the child’s age. These are difficult topics, and it might seem unimaginable to talk about them with a small child. However, these events deeply affect our lives, and your child inevitably senses this and wants to understand and know what is going on. That is why it is important to talk to your child in a way and with language they can understand, taking their age into account.
Also, be aware that you might not be able to help the child on your own because it may be too difficult. If necessary, seek help from a child mental health professional.
Children aged one to three
At this age, a child understands and feels that something is happening, but does not understand what or why. The child may cry more often and seek closeness to you. They may have trouble sleeping and with toilet habits, behave like a baby again, or ask to be fed. They may have tantrums, hit, show irritability, be defiant or withdrawn, but are unable to explain their feelings. They may also fear separation and become distressed when the parent is out of sight.
You can help your child by staying calm and establishing routines that give them a sense of predictability and therefore safety. If your child is not yet speaking or asking questions, talk about daily life in a positive, optimistic way, sending the message that your family is now safe.
Preschool-aged children
At this age, children may express anger by lashing out at parents or withdrawing and becoming depressed. Imagination and reality blend at this stage, and the child understands the importance of protecting the family.
The child may be anxious, have outbursts of anger or aggression, or behave as they did when they were younger. They may be afraid of going to sleep, being alone, or have restless sleep and even nightmares. If your child is reluctant to do things they used to enjoy, talk to them—don’t wait for them to initiate the conversation.
Some children will start the conversation themselves and ask many questions, while others may seem uninterested. Both groups of children need to hear the truth about war and be engaged in conversation. If the child asks questions, it s easier to start the conversation by answering them, then asking how they feel about it, and whether they understood what you explained. You can then continue explaining what is happening and keep the conversation going for as long as the child needs.
If the child doesn’t ask questions, try to “feel out” their emotions with gentle questions and find out if they want to talk, what they know, and how they feel. Then begin a conversation about the events and the situation your family is in.
If you see that your child has overheard something or knows something, start the conversation and explain what they are curious about.
What children need most from adults is a sense of protection and safety—and this is something we as parents can provide, no matter how difficult it may be, even when we ourselves feel unprotected and insecure.
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